DHS Explains: ‘We Bought Ammo While Shopping Online Drunk’

By » Mon, April 1 2013

office party games4 DHS Explains: ‘We Bought Ammo While Shopping Online Drunk’

With much of the United States speculating as to why the Department of Homeland Security needsbillions and billions of dollars’ worth of ammunition, new reports are coming forth that put the controversial purchases into new light.

“It started out like any work day, with an office party for [Acquisition Contracting Manager Milton Johannsen]‘s birthday,” said Jeff Lavange of DHS. ”It was a pretty typical cake-and-ice cream deal with your boss, Milt was obviously bored. He’s been here for a long time.”

“At about four o’clock he just stood up and said ‘Fuck it!’” continued Lavange. “‘Who wants Benihana!’ he said.”

So all those conspiracy theories are for naught. Seriously, who can honestly say they’ve never found a package addressed to themselves, opened it, and realized, shit, that’s right, last week after we got back from the bar, I saw that coupon in my inbox…

I once drunk-bought a boxed set of the Matrix even though I only like the first movie and some of the Animatrix. I gotta be honest, I never could bring myself to re-watch “Reloaded” and “Rebooted” or whatever it was called. So much betrayal.

It came with a bust of Neo. He watches over me when I sleep.

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