You’re not “too old for this shit”

4514194410 569569a159 e1333481464400 450x337 Youre not too old for this shit

I may be too old for this shit, but she ain't. (img by Kanaka Menehune)

Chances are you think that after you hit 40 years old or have kids, you have to spend your leisure time watching television or having barbecues or discussing stock picks with the duffers at the local diner. You may think that your only athletic outlets are bowling (which, when done non-ironically, is repugnant to most young people and women everywhere) and yoga (which is repugnant to most men because we fear having to wear special pants to do it).

Let this 86-year-old lady show you that there’s more to your highly advanced age than fantasy football and healthcare nightmare story contests:

You don’t have to be able to do gymnastics floor routines (and let’s be honest, she’s probably been training for a long time), but just look at the way she jogs off the floor at the end. You didn’t know old people could move like that, did you?

And how about when you lock your keys in the house and the guy with the camera decides not to help you? Climb your damned building:

I could dig shit like this up all day. If you’re 40 or 50 or even 60, all is not lost. Most of Danny Glover syndrome is in your mind. You are not too old for this shit. Keep moving, pick up heavy things, and play more.

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What debilitating disease do YOU have? Google it!

medical diagnosis1 450x481 What debilitating disease do YOU have? Google it!

(img from Chuck and Beans)

See it bigger at Chuck & Beans

I know a guy who, early in life, diagnosed himself with rickets. I forget what happened… I think his father discovered him chewing eggshells and licking the family VW engine to try and get more calcium/magnesium into his system. I’m also pretty sure he still self-diagnoses, to entertaining effect. So be careful. You, too, could end up a professional writer who’s more up to date on DSM-VII than most mental health professionals.

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Wyoming almost goes prepper

5548927822 5705476d19 o Wyoming almost goes prepper

But I loves me some doom songs. (img by genericprofilename)

CHEYENNE, Wyo. (AP) — Wyoming lawmakers on Tuesday shot down the so-called doomsday bill, a proposal that would have resulted in a plan of action in case the federal government collapses.

The bill would have set up a task force to create a strategy for a replacement state currency and a military, complete with an aircraft carrier for the landlocked state. The military amendment was a tongue-in-cheek addition from an opponent who thought the rest of the measure was a waste of time. Read more at the Seattle PI.

Disaster preparedness generally boils down to a few basic things: having the necessary stuff, having a plan, and having the right information/knowhow. Both the Red Cross and the survivalists/preppers seem to agree on that. So why do people think the Red Cross is benign and preppers are nuts? (more…)

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Conceal all the guns! (fear-based marketing 101)

6032631875 4e15e33d92 450x337 Conceal all the guns! (fear based marketing 101)

This woman is concealing enough weaponry to arm Sudan. (img by Ali Eminov)

This just in: Companies interested in selling high tech gadgetry come up with hilariously scary marketing materials. TSA scares up $8 billion per year for sexy backscatter xrays that scare you out of your change so they can rake in even more dough.

This one cracks me up, though:

Mostly because I’m pretty sure the minute this baggy-pantsed, untuck-shirted dude tried to take a step, most of that stuff would come rattling down to his ankles. Have you tried walking around with a rifle in your pant-leg? Exactly.

But it apparently sells metal detectors to schools.

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USA probably not as beleaguered as you think

391645870 b485c449c8 450x337 USA probably not as beleaguered as you think

The world sent us a cupcake! (img by kayepants)

Face it, the average American loves the idea of the apocalypse. Zombies make tons of money. Everyone’s looking forward to the Mayan calendar running out of days or the rapture or peak oil, and there’s a ton of money in survival manuals and paracord. Not to mention in 24 hour news coverage, advertising, and military equipment sales.

So here’s a downer for all the apocalypse-lovers. Yes, it comes from Cracked.com, so take it with as big a bag of salt as you take Fox News. Here’s the crux:

Just as the Western media is better off when you think the world is a horror movie teetering on the brink of a post-apocalyptic tale of survival, the guys controlling every army in the world are better off if you think you need them. If everyone likes each other, then they’re the weirdo bringing a gun to a tea party.

So the next time you hear a politician or pundit going on about how people from countries like Iran want to see America destroyed, think of them like the mean girl in middle school who makes up rumors because it’s the only way to get people to listen to her. Saying, “Iran is a little suspicious of America but wants to get to know her better,” may not make for good television, but it’s way closer to the truth.

By all means, be prepared. Learn to defend yourself and to be self-sufficient. Learn to get along with the people around you enough to be able to function together in a hurricane or earthquake or whatever. It’s a good idea to think about the problems of the now instead of borrowing Red Dawn scenarios from profit-seeking channels.

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Blending in isn’t as hard you you’d think

553228194 7c0921abfb 450x342 Blending in isnt as hard you youd think

That's not a squirrel. That's Friedrich Fucking Nietzsche. (img by Richard Giddins)

Just ask Abe Liu, a guy who was not a student at Harvard but had lots of people convinced that he was. Liu doesn’t appear to have had any real malicious intent, he was just lonely and found himself telling lies on top of lies to maintain the fiction that he was a freshman-dorm resident at the school.

He lived the life of a Harvard student for months without attracting substantial attention, until the memes began and turned into a psychotic whirlwind in the hours before Primal Scream.

There are a few ways we can go with this. (more…)

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